Tiana Hill Comes To Terms With Her Deceased Partner's Deceit

When her life partner died suddenly, Tiana Hill had to confront some difficult truths. She discovered that the man she thought she knew was not all that he seemed. Faced with these revelations, she chose to take ownership of the part she had played in their relationship. Sarah speaks to Tiana about losing her daughter's father, being rejected by his family and how she healed by facing the truth rather than turning away from it.

Tiana Hill is a mom of two and an Arizona native who still calls the desert her home. A yoga instructor, mindfulness teacher and plant-based vegan educator, she is currently on the path to continue her education, studying for a master's degree in counseling, which has been a dream of hers for a very long time.

Grief Gratitude & Greatness is hosted by Sarah Shaoul and is a production of Recursive Delete Audio/Visual in Portland, Oregon.

This episode was produced & edited by Jack Saturn, with additional production by Sarah. The music was by Samantha Jensen.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp makes it easy to receive the acknowledgement and support you need to get through these challenging times. Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/griefgratitudegreatness . Head over and start talking to a counselor today!

Grief Gratitude & Greatness is the recipient of a 2020 grant from the Regional Arts & Culture Council.

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TRANSCRIPT

SARAH SHAOUL: When Tiana Hill met Kwamie Lassiter, a defensive back for the Arizona Cardinals, she fell head over heels. Soon they began a relationship. He made her feel loved, and they planned for a future together. Kwamie treated her son as his own, which convinced her that this was the man she wanted to spend her life with, even though he was married with children. She and Kwamie would go on to conceive a daughter together. 

She patiently waited for the divorce that he repeatedly promised would happen. She understood that he was staying in the marriage for his kids, but as the years passed, she began to doubt it would ever happen. She held on to a glimmer of hope, but it never came to pass.

Kwamie had cardiomyopathy, a form of heart disease. Tiana knew about his condition and worried about his health. In early 2019, Kwamie died of a heart attack. In the wake of his death, Tiana found that there was no mention of her or their daughter in his will. And through later conversations with his family, she discovered many other secrets he had kept from her throughout their 16-year relationship.

As a football star, as a father, as a community member, Kwamie was well loved by many. But for Tiana, who should have known him better than anyone, it turned out there was so much she didn’t know. Tiana’s grief was complicated by his dishonesty.

In an instant she had gone from being his intimate partner to a complete outsider. When she arrived at his memorial service, rather than being comforted by the community, she and her children were made to feel that they didn’t belong. Imagine going to the funeral of the person you love, the father of your child, and not being welcome there.

TIANA HILL: There were so many emotions, and both of my children were with me. I had to find some courage to March up to those doors.

SARAH: What context did your children have for this situation?

TIANA: My son knew; he was aware of everything. From pretty early on, he knew the situation. But my daughter had no idea and I didn't prep her necessarily, because I wasn't sure what we were going to find. I thought, maybe we'll have this conversation afterward - and we did have it after, but it was because it all came to fruition right there in the moment.

SARAH: Here's this  situation where you're deeply in mourning, and so is this other family - that's also his family, just like you're his family too. In having that courage to walk through those doors to the service, you're also being really protective, particularly of your daughter.

TIANA: I was, and especially because someone made a snide comment about, “Oh, that's his daughter,” questioning, and in front of her too, so that was hard. She knows who her father is, and then for someone else to question it, because he wasn't necessarily upfront about it, it was heartbreaking.

SARAH:  But you made it through the service, you stayed through the whole thing.

TIANA: Well, it wasn't necessarily a service where someone gave a speech or anything like that - it was a viewing of the body. We stayed around for quite a while, tucked back in a little corner outside, because we were told we weren't going to be able to see him. His wife's sister came out and she said a lot of things - it was a scene. There was definitely a scene that was made. She said that we weren't welcome there and we would not be able to see him, so we should just leave.

I couldn't accept that, because we do deserve to see him! This is his daughter! And so we went and sat in a little corner for a while. It was a very small service, a very private viewing. Finally, one of his older sons came out and said that we could see him. It was nice, but he said we could see him when everybody else left. So we just sat around and waited.

SARAH: This is the person you probably felt the closest to in the world. What did that feel like to be so on the outside, not having the ability to show up in the way that you would want to?

TIANA: I was angry - super sad about it. It's something that we had talked a lot about that, if something happened to him, I would be on the outside. We never know when we're going to die. So he would assure me that that was just not going to happen, that everything would be figured out, and he would do what he was supposed to do for years and years and years - and just didn't. So I was angry that we were on the outside and I felt like I should have been on the inside.

SARAH: What are some of the things that you talked about that he was supposed to do?

TIANA: Get a divorce, for one - that would be helpful! That was something that was a constant. Every January, I would remember, and I'd write in my journal like, “This is it. This has to happen, or I'm not going to do this anymore.” And it we would come back around to it every year. I'm like, “How many years...?” The years go by so quickly. I look back - how did I do that for 16 years? Just hoping and waiting that it would actually happen one day.

Ironically enough, about two weeks before he passed, he told me that his son was in from college, and with all the boys home, he was going to tell them. Who knows if that was really going to happen, but that was the closest I ever saw him to actually making that step.

He also said that we would be taken care of, that he had something set up for us, and I didn't see anything come of that. If it's out there floating around, maybe one day - but I just can't imagine it wouldn't have already come to fruition by this point. As far as I know, there was nothing and I didn't ask. I figured if it was in a will or something, I would have heard, so I'm sure there's probably not.

SARAH: What kind of questions did your daughter have about that scene?

TIANA: When we were driving home, she said, “Why were they so angry at you?” She couldn't quite figure out why. So I told her that he was married and she was like, “What? Dad was married? That means that he cheated…” And that was pretty much it. That ride home was the only conversation that we've had about it since then.

SARAH: Really?

TIANA: She hasn't asked, and that was it. What else is there to say? I don't know. Maybe eventually she'll have more questions.

SARAH: I think, especially at that age, they can only digest a little bit of something. Someone was telling me kids go through topics, kind of like they eat apples: they take a couple of bites and set it down, then like 40 minutes later, they come back and have another bite or two.

TIANA: You're right. I think that over time, I'm sure we'll revisit the situation.

SARAH: Were you waiting for that call about the will? At what point did you let go of that?

TIANA: After I met his wife at Starbucks and she didn't mention anything about it, Which, I mean, I know that obviously they had something come from this financially. So when nothing was mentioned at that meeting, I figured that there was nothing there.

SARAH: How did that meeting come about? Who initiated it?

TIANA: She did. She sent a text message.

SARAH: So she had your number.

TIANA: She had my number because I reached out to her, wanting to know when the service was happening, and to let her know who I was, if she didn't already know. And to let her know that I wanted to be at the funeral or service or whatever it was going to be - I didn’t know. I never heard back from her then, so I had to find out about the service in a completely different way.

SARAH: To take back your agency, did you honor his death in your own way? Did you have a private ceremony with your kids, or some kind of ritual?

TIANA: Yes, we did. We set out our crystals in a circle, we had some sage and we had a tea that someone had suggested we put together, which was good for grieving. I was like a little kitchen witch in there - I was putting all the herbs together, blending and mixing. We wrote out some things and burned them in a little fire just to let it go. So it was special. It was just the three of us - which, it's always been the three of us with him. It was nice.

SARAH: Honoring it in a way that's important to you, particularly after that experience. From what I understand, you started to see the other side, right? it wasn't just that you were seeing someone who was married, but you started to see that Kwamie wasn't exactly presenting himself truthfully. It wasn't until he died that you started to see the real person. How did that unfold?

TIANA: At the Starbucks meeting. We were having a conversation about so many things. It was spiraling, but she said something about, “Did you know about the other woman?” That was a knife to the heart. And then it was, “Well, what about the other kids?” I was like, what? There were three older adult children that I had no clue about. Two of them live here in the state! I sat stunned.

When she left, I just sat in the Starbucks and I remember getting out my phone and sending a message to my therapist, telling her all this. She was like, “Do you want to come in tomorrow? First thing in the morning?” I’m like, yes! (laughs)

SARAH: (laughs) Yes, please!

TIANA: It was just awful. Who was this person that I thought I knew so well, who made it seem like I was the best thing that ever happened to him? Who’s just waiting until we can finally make it right and be together. He said he would never be with anyone else - he even said, if he were stranded on a desert Island with Janet Jackson, nothing would happen. I thought, well, maybe he just doesn't like Janet Jackson that much.

SARAH: What about Halle Berry?

TIANA: Right. Somebody! Come on. I was really coming to terms and I had nightmares for so very long about this afterwards. It was probably a good nine or 10 months that I would dream about it every night. It was haunting. I wanted to know, “Why did you not tell me the truth? Why did you hide the kids? And why did you say that you wouldn't be with anyone else?”

SARAH: I imagine that you were questioning all kinds of things he told you.

TIANA: Oh, absolutely. Was he ever really going to leave? I questioned, did he really sleep in the guest house, on the couch, and all the places that he said he slept? Did he sleep with his wife? That was a question. I just believed what he said; he just was so convincing that he was completely checked out of the other relationship and that he was here. When he went to play golf, was she with him, the other woman? Because she golfed too. I questioned everything.

Before he passed, he was texting with this other woman, and I saw it pop up on his phone. He told me a whole different story, and I remember being upset about it, because it was midnight and we had just come home after being out dancing. And then she's popping up on his phone.

He said that it was somebody else. I remember even the next morning I was so distraught about it, and he convinced me again that it was nothing. I'll say I had clues - and my gut, because I remember feeling horrible about it - but he went out of his way to deny it.

SARAH: Did this other woman know about you?

TIANA: I don't know. I mean, I'm sure she knows now. 

SARAH: She wasn't at the service?

TIANA: We weren't supposed to be at the service, so no, she was definitely not at the service.

SARAH: His wife, it sounds like she was angry, and you're not even sure if she knew about you, though he led you to believe that she did. Did you get any clarity on that when you met with her?

TIANA: No. I mean, she said she did not know. Maybe there was never a conversation, but it would seem that there would be some indication that he's off doing something with somebody else - he was here a lot! How I figure it is that, in my gut I probably knew things that I didn't want to know, so I wasn't going to face them. I don't know if that was her experience, but that was definitely mine. 

SARAH: It's interesting, our perceptions of a good or happy life. I was reading this book, Three Women by Lisa Taddeo. It’s a challenging book about three women's lives, and particularly, their romantic lives. There's one young girl who ends up getting involved with her high school teacher. She comes forward about it years later, because this has just wrecked her. And his wife was definitely aware of what had happened, but completely denies it to preserve their life.

There's something just so incredibly appalling about an adult doing something like that to a child, but then there's this whole other layer: the sisterhood betrayal, for a woman to do that to another woman. But to a child? You know, basically allowing a child's life to be destroyed, to preserve this perception of this life that she wants to keep going.

TIANA: Right. A life you become accustomed to living and you don't want to change it.

SARAH: Not to draw those exact parallels, because that's definitely a very different situation, but that comes to my mind.

TIANA: I asked myself that a lot as well. How could I do that? And I justified it in so many different ways.

SARAH: How did you shift the focus from this man that you love, that wasn't who he portrayed himself to be and didn’t follow through on all those promises? What did you do with that?

TIANA: At some point I just realized that I was  doing the same thing that he was: I had a secret, too, apparently. Not that I felt that it was a secret, because I wasn’t keeping things in, but I wasn't as open in certain situations. I didn't go to his wife and tell her. I was holding a lot of shame, but then he must have been as well. So I started to look at it - I felt sad for him, that he had to live like that, and for me as well. I spent 16 years living a lie, this life whose foundation was very, very rocky. I just started to turn inward and see that I had a big role in this as well.

SARAH: When he was alive, did you have family or friends that would ask you about him?

TIANA: No one would really say anything about our relationship, like “If he's ever going to leave her” or anything like that. It became so normal for us, so no one questioned it. What are they going to say that I don't know already?

My dad, he wouldn't ever say anything. They would hang out and play cards like buddies, and we'd go out to eat. My mom, I ended up at some point just not really talking about him with her so much because I'm sure she wanted to say something, but she just wouldn't. That was a source of shame and hiding a little bit. I guess I would just downplay it. We just wouldn't really talk about him, because I didn't want to talk about, “Okay, so what are you doing? What is he doing?” I didn't have an answer, so we kind of avoided those deeper conversations.

SARAH: How did he and your mom interact?

TIANA: Well, my mom lives in California, so they didn't see each other a ton. But when she was here visiting, or when we were on the phone, it would be fine. She wouldn't talk to him about it or anything like that.

SARAH: (laughs) So you weren't in fear - “Oh, shoot, Is mom going to say something? Oh, no!” 

TIANA: (laughs) No, I didn't have that, but it was still very uncomfortable. There was that undertone of anxiety about the situation with my mom, just in general. They don't want their kids to be in situations like this.

SARAH: You were coming to terms with your complicity with the situation, and your role in it. What was that like?

TIANA: It was a lot of beating myself up. “What were you doing? What were you thinking? Why would you do that?” I wanted him to be happy. I loved him more than I loved myself and I would have done anything for him. I tucked away what I really wanted because I thought eventually I would get it. I would settle for whatever he would offer.

Eventually it came to be like, ”Okay, we're working on some self-love here, girlfriend.” Lots of journaling and lots of therapy to turn the ship around.

SARAH: Has it been slow coming to this place, or did something just - boom - hit you? Or is it a little bit of both?

TIANA: It was slow. Every day doing the work, the journaling, the therapy, meditating, yoga. I had to do those things every day, just to ground myself and to sit in the truth of the situation, to not run from it. Because that would have been easier to think, “It was what it was.” But I had so much information that I had to do the digging and figure it out.

SARAH: You could have just not taken responsibility.

TIANA: Yeah, what would that look like? (laughs)

SARAH: Right! I applaud you for seeing that “It takes two,” and that he didn't just do this to you. I imagine there was a certain amount of being hard on yourself.

TIANA: Oh, absolutely. In the beginning I was definitely in victim mode. “How could he do this to me?” Then I turned that around. “How could I do this to me?” I did all of those things that he did, I did them to myself. I allowed it to happen. Those were some hard moments and sometimes it still is. It's not as often because I'm at a better place with my role in it. But it was a really long journey

SARAH: You said you've only really had that one conversation with your daughter. I think one of the hardest things in parenting is recognizing that we model everything for them. She's definitely at an impressionable age, coming to terms with the complicated story of who her father is. 

TIANA: Yeah, over time that will unfold. I feel like I'm at a better place now to help her through questions that she has. It's going to come out at some point; she's going to have these feelings and questions.

When he first passed, I would not open the newspaper because I didn't want to read about who he left behind because she's not going to be in there. I remember wondering how can I make sure she's in his bios that are on the website, because if she Googles him, his other kids are there and she's not there. So those things are very challenging. I just hope that I can be there to support her as she goes through it.

SARAH: Do you have ongoing rituals that you do to mark his lack of presence? What's so hard is, now that you know this truth, he's still the father of your child, so it's not like you can fully just wash him away. He's forever a presence in the life you have.

TIANA: Right, absolutely. On the anniversary of his death, I said, “Do you want to do something?” I don't know if she's trying to suppress it or is just not affected right at this moment, with where she is developmentally. But I am constantly doing things and I'll ask her if she wants to come in and do them. Right now she's not super interested, but it could be her defense mechanism.

SARAH: It could just be being a child too. I mean, that goes back to that modeling again; the traditions that our parents set tend to be the traditions we adopt as we get older. She might not be seeing the value and importance, but when she needs it , she’ll recall. 

TIANA: That's very true.

SARAH: What do you see as your greatest discovery in this experience?

TIANA: It might be kind of sad, but I don't know that I could have ever done this, created this space between the two of us. I feel like the universe swept in and it does what it does. It did something I don't think I was ever going to be capable of doing: to walk away.

It was forced, and I've learned so much from that. It had to be done so that I could - not that it had to be done, I mean, it is what it is. He is gone, so I guess it did have to be done. But I'm just becoming so much more me, finding that truth within.

SARAH: I think sometimes the clarity of the picture is there, when we're not reflecting off of others.

TIANA: Absolutely true. I can see so much clearer now who I am, and it's different than who I was when he was here.